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efore kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders 
1 universe, 8 planets, 204 countries, 804 islands, 7 seas, 7 billion people, and you're still single? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAGAHA, me too.!!!!!!!!!
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I work and pay taxes so the wealthy dont have to,
Since girls pubes are extinct, we'll will never know your real hair color. Well played ladies...
The fastest sprinter in the world is black, the fastest racing driver is black, the most powerfull man is black.....Michael Jackson must be kicking himself!
at 8:45 pm , facebook had an EPIC FAIL
How do I explain to a coworker, that she is not a size 6…that EVERY pair of pants she wears she has a Camel Toe…and EVERYONE has noticed!
taking a laxative and going to bed, i'm tired
Wearin glasses does'nt mean ur smart, it jus means you cant see...
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... it's about learning to dance in the rain
"I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free" -
A midget fortuneteller escaped from prison. Police say there is a small medium at large.
Dear Grandma: I am writing this slowly because I know you cannot read fast.
URGENT WARNING! Facebook now automatically scans your brain through your monitor. To block, go to kitchen, get aluminum foil, and wrap it around your head. Stay calm and breathe through your left nostril ONLY. This is a SERIOUS problem and has been confir
Instead of telling everybody what colour your damn bra is or to 'like' a certain page as show of support, put 10 bucks in the bloody tin at the shopping center if you really want to help the Japanese people who are reeling from the tsunami. Stop talking o
French Toast.....French Fries....French Kiss and now French Fighter Jets....all bad a** contributions by France
When someone tries to shoot at Colonel Gadaffi,do his bodyguards need to shout 'Gadaffi duck' ?????
The kids wanted to go somewhere expensive~so I told them to get their piggybanks and we went to the gas station.....they didn't think it was as funny as I did....
I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper 