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I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it though. 
I'd rather take it doggy from Liberace on my grandmothers gravesite while Debbie Gibson's Electric Youth is playing than watch Twilight.
I hate waking up after a night of drinking to realize I spent a bunch of money on something stupid. Anyway, I'm off to the airport to pick up my Russian mail order bride.
does fantasizing about the cheerleaders count as "fantasy football"?
Free range chicken is better. The false illusion of freedom before slaughter makes them extra tender.
harry potter is such a fake movie, like really a ginger with two friends
Question Of The Day- Why isn't there a mouse flavored cat food?
roses are red, violets are blue, vodka is cheaper then dinner for two
Watching the Daytona 500 is worse than watching paint dry... Hmmm... On second note, maybe I just need some more Bud Light?
I just hope Tyler Perry names his 1st son 'Tyler Perry's Tyler Perry, Jr.'
No one's home so I'm playing practical jokes on my dog and cat. Man, they are so gullible.
Just wanna do something crazy right now, like run naked through the sprinklers, or vote for Ross Perot!
My girlfriend got mad at me because I didn't like her Facebook status 30 minutes after she posted it. It's not like I have a magical Facebook device on me at all times. Sent via safari for iPhone.
I went back to see my doctor today. I said, “I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.” “Where exactly did you apply it?” he asked. I said, “On the bus.”
All bad decisions are ultimately made using the same piece of resounding logic: “Screw it.”
smelling my clothes deciding what to wear
A grown man will buy lingerie for the same reason a kid wants a box of cereal were all after the prize inside
There's a wild side to every innocent face!
Ding Dong Kim Jong is Dead
Women with 50 pairs of $500 shoes but no 5-year plan will never be sexy. 