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If your significant other doesn't know every last bit disgusting detail about what a gross human being you are then they don't know you that well. 
I can't help thinking Moses would have been a hit at Olympic Swimming events.
Funny how the word 'pro' is in progress, and the word 'con' is in congress.
you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah
WARNING!!! Drug use may cause memory loss and....uhm....
I hate women who hate innocent women and invade their privacy for their animal instincts.
Ever kill a Sasquatch in the forest and then realize it was just your neighbor Dave getting his mail in the lobby? Drugs are funny sometimes
A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man
A cop pulled me over and asked why I was driving so fast. I said you look like the cop my wife left me for and I was afraid you were bringing her back!
They said a mask was enough to go into a grocery store. They lied, everyone else had clothes on...
Its all Obama's Fault for not seeking a Third Term like a True African Leaderr
Every problem has got a public holiday. World AIDS day, cancer day, Labour Day and today Women's Day
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir? Me: ok, but no tongue
Drug addiction runs in my family. I come from a long line of cocaine.
Wats d difference between Las Vegas n Wuhan..wat happens in Vegas stays in Vegas
Coronavirus - explained in dancing. You and nine friends are dancing together. One friend is dancing while sprinkling glitter. How many friends leave the dance party wearing glitter?
HOLIDAY HACK: *Holds finger up, and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I've been..
When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.
What, you have a gravy boat!! Where is this gravy river you speak of?
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house. 