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look guys, if you're 40+ and your profile picture is of your car, you're not doing life right... 
If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.
realize that when someone says, "The last thing I want to do is hurt you," basically implies that there is a list and hurting you is on it.
Just spent the better part of my Saturday morning yelling at this midget to get out of my yard... before finally realizing it was just a garden gnome.
Just a Friendly word of advice: Nobody want's to hear your ringtone. Unless it's "Hammertime", then let that it play loud.
You are not living right if you have never been slapped with at least one restraining order in your life!
With the "end of the world" coming in 11 days I feel confident making a prediction.......September 2013 will have one of the highest birth rates on record.
a woman is driving one day and accidentally rear ends the car in front of her. when the other driver gets out she discovers he is a midget. he is clearly upset and says "i'm not happy". she replies "then which one are you?
It must suck to be Spanish speaking person who doesn’t understand the English phrase “If you’d like to continue in Spanish…”
American English is essentially English after having been wiped off with a dirty sponge
If she can roll her own joint, marry her on spot.
So... You don't hunt or fish, yet you buy camo and say you're country?? Hmm, maybe confused is a better word.
My boyfriend is walking out on me because of my obsession with Call of Duty. It's okay, he won't get far. I put a claymore by the door.
The guy who said "It's better to have loved and lost" never accidentally washed his jeans wit his weed still in his pocket
Monday sure is an awful way to spend 1/7th of our life......
Dear children,stop wondering what I am. I'm a star! You just said it like two seconds ago. Sincerely, Twinkle Twinkle
One time I was in a car giving directions to a gay driver. Things got awkward when I told him to go straight.
How's your Pagan/christian-Inspired, Secular Winter, Gift-giving, Observance Day shopping going?
(Oh) = Stop talking to me. (K) = I'm done talking. (Whatever) = f*ck you. (Fine) = f*ck it. (I guess) = I don't give a f*ck.
I can sponsor a child for $.79 a day, but it costs me $2.99 a minute to chat with my "special friend"! Sorry poor, starving children. Its a tough economy so daddy needs his sexy talk. 