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Found out the difference between onions and men. I don't cry when I'm chopping up men. 
Well, it's 12:30pm and I have seven dollar bills to my name. I guess it's that age old question: Lunch? Or Lotto scratchers.
I like Carrie Underwood better on Sunday night football
I had to go on a second diet. The one wasn't giving me enough food.
I tried to take a photo of a huge bug in my bathroom, but when I put a coin next to it for scale IT TOOK THE COIN AND PUT IT IN ITS WALLET.
Where's Heat Miser when you need him?
Peyton Manning was just seen buying Marijuana from some dude out in the parking lot. . .
In spite of world wide outrage, I'd bet if Copenhagen Zoo sold tickets and pay per view the next time they feed a giraffe to a lion, it will be their biggest sell out event of all time.
Your restraining order isn't going to keep me from eating the hair off your brush.
Iggy Azalea is hip hop for teens that still get put in timeout.
Only way I'm having sex for 3 hours is if we taking a nap for the first 2hrs 56 min
Stephen King's son is named Joe. I'm not joking, he is.
This is getting serious folks .... According to a report in Washington Post unnamed sources in the CIA are reporting that according to hacked e-mails, Vladimir Putin was the second gunman on the grassy knoll.
Polling showed 27% of the USA bet on Atlanta to win. Must've been conducted by CNN.
Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...
I kinda wish the world was flat. That way I could just push off the people I don't like.
Honesty is the best policy, but insanity makes for a much better legal defense.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
A cup of coffee so strong it doesn’t just pick me up, it reenacts the lift scene from Dirty Dancing.
Well .... Apparently a few Community Organizers got a bit out of hand in Dallas ..... 