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Trophies aren't meant to be put on a shelf, so sometimes I let my wife leave the house just to show off a little. 
Yes! schools are closing b/c of bad weather damn I forgot I have online Class???
If she's the best I've ever had, then she's the best I've had yet.
took an Ambien and a laxative before going to bed....i'll let you know who won in the morning.....
You must be this -^- tall to ride the Rapture!
Its my policy never to date people who just broken up coz the chances of them going back to their ex are too great to ignore leaving me all alone looking like a schmuck.
what you're awesome at black ops? wow, dedication and no life right there
My car smells like if you were somehow able to get inside a potato.
have you ever noticed that the saying is 'smoking weed affects your memory'- yet you can never forget that single fact?
So I'm at antiques roadshow getting competitive and sweaty, letting everyone in line cut in front of me so my stuff will be older when I get to the front.
Huck this is an intervention "ok to who's wedding" no thats an invitation "aliens?!" thats an invasion "how--" HUCK YOU NEED TO GET A DICTIONARY
i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..
I’m sorry I didn’t listen to your voicemail I was too busy walking my dinosaur.
The Red sox need "Just for men" for their beards!
No Officer, that's medicinal gasoline and matches.
Yeah,, I could just roll in this bar and announce that I'm Thor's brother,, but I'm just gonna keep it Loki tonight.
Decided I wanted solid abs this year for Christmas. Bought all solid milk chocolate Santas instead of hollow ones.
The Mayans are predicting this year for Dec.21 chilly air will settle into the region, ahead of a storm system forecast to move up from the South.
My New Years resolution is to throw my hands up in the air......but this year I vow to wave them all around like I just don't care..
2014 you had your up and downs.. 2015 I'm to old for rollercoasters 