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think wisely before you open ur mouth!! 
lying on lawn, waiting for Google Earth to take a photo of him.
Never end a sentence with a preposition. Incorrect: Thongs crack me up. Correct: Thongs up me crack.
Less work. More aholic.
My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!
"Have a nice day".. "Dont tell me what to do"
when people ask me if they are twins, Isay" no triplets", and I FREAK OUT and start looking for the missing one.
I like to like things on facebook I don't like so I can unlike them.
I was gonna play "Got your Nose" with one of my annoying coworkers the other day. But we couldn't cause she put her nose where it normally is- in our Boss's @ss.
The worst thing that can ever happen to a hangover is a call from your mother.
ou know you're lazy when you don't have any clean bowls so you eat cereal off a plate.
there's nothing wrong with crying ..unless you're a guy
TSA has announced Nude scanning . Now women have to diet not only for swim wear but going to the airport too!
The very moment I can imagine a really hot girl taking a dump, is the very second I'm no longer attracted to her
The scoreboard reads Manchester United - 8 Arsenal - Who?
Sometimes when an attractive woman starts talking to me I forget how to speak and just start doing lunges.
D*CK-RID·ING² [dik,rahy-ding] - noun. The Act of Continuously OVER-praising an individual, with intentions of being noticed.
if you don't have a job on Labor day, celebrate by finding a job.
Yesterday it was fish, shrimp, and crabs. Tonight I'm just fishing for compliments.
Dear U.S. Government, I was just wondering if I can get my tax return in advance. I would use my credit cards but theyr'e maxed out and I am currently unemployed. Regards, everyday U.S. citizen. 