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YOLO: You Obviously Love Oreos 
I'd like to thank my digestive system for getting rid of all the sh!t in my life, without you I'd be full of it!
Don't let the bad weather get you down. It's not the end of the world. That's not for another 10 months.
My Mama is gonna be so mad when she realizes how much drama I have saved for her.
If the facebook app gets any slower my timeline will be going backward
I don't get this hole poking thing.
That chick has been passed around more than blame.
I know there are people who really want to hate me, but it's nearly impossible when I'm kinda, sorta, REALLY amazing.
Did you know that somewhere every 3 second a woman gives birth on this planet? I think we should find this woman and stop her.
LeBron James hairline got a back court violation.
I wonder if everyone who pays 2 dollars to buy a bottle of Evian realize that backwards it spells naive
I will not chase you after anyone anymore!.......If you walk out of my life, I'll hold the F-N door open for you!!!
If you take the vowels out of FEMALE you get FML. Coincidence? I think not
Some french fries are excellent, and other french fries are just an acceptable way to eat ketchup…
My milkshake never brings anyone to the yard, because I drink it on my own.
I'm not an alcoholic. I can stop drinking any time I've got no money.
They say not to text and drive, but I still feel totally fine after two texts
The best way to get over your ex? Get under someone else!
You were all the elite sperm in an ejaculation. So, please, do not doubt yourselves - you are awesome!
it's very important to exercise as we get older. my uncle started walking 5 miles a day when he was 65. today he's 90 and we haven't a sweet jesus clue where he is. 