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My wife and I like to play this little game where we both see something that needs to be put away, but we leave it out to see how long it takes the other one to do it. She doesn't seem to enjoy it as much as I do. 
A synonym is a word you use when you can't remember how to spell the other word.
I like to do nothing for people. Then when they say " Thanks for nothing", I say It was the least I could do.
Had a mishap while making coffee just now that is best explained through interpretive dance...
When I die I want written on my tombstone "Finally Offline".
Dear Mr. Coffee, Do you even manufacture a coffee pot that doesn't spill when you pour out of it? -Early Riser
Dear Facebook, thanks for reminding me why moving away from my hometown was the best decision ever.
Just adjusted my life insurance policy to include the purchase of a hologram of myself that will blend into the crowd at my funeral.
Good things come to those who wait. Well.. except for the people on death row.
I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand!
If you're not working on trying to be mine, then you shouldn't be worrying about who's consuming my spare time.
We need to employ ninja doctors to do vasectomies secretly to stop dipsh!ts from breeding.
Carlos Santana must be relieved that his look-alike Gadaffi is gone.
When I am on vacation I put in my Out of Office message to contact Batman with any problems, as I feel he is the only one qualified to replace me anyway.
Damn, three raptures and I'm still here....I'm starting to think there must be something wrong with me.
There is so little food in my house right now I think I saw some ants putting together a grocery list.
Don't you just want to write on some people's Facebook wall "you peaked in High School".?
I'm not saying your opinion is stupid, I'm just saying you're stupid for having it
OK I get the "Deaf Child Area" sign .. but how the heII am l suupposed to know which kid it is?
I have watched CSI, NCIS, Law and Order, Lie To Me, Criminal Minds and Unusual Suspects. I can kill you 18 ways with a paperclip and not leave forensic evidence. 