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I prefer to take my quarantine recommendations from scientists, not the guy with 3 teeth and a beer-stained wife beater. 
Roses are red, on St. Patricks were green, don't party too hard tonight, you are not Charlie Sheen!
Hey black guys with the long, braided hair; you look ridiculous, please don't kill me...
Be patient freaks, give it a few more years and you will be able to marry your dog
Scientists have found a ground breaking, all natural way to cure insomnia. They call it church.
if you ever feel bad or depressed, just remember you were once the fastest most victorious sperm in the bunch!!
Joe Biden just came by for a visit. It's funny because by the time he leaves, the toilet's never flushed and the cat's always pregnant.
Anybody on Meth need a job??? I'm opening a haunted house soon & I need zombies
I'm watching one of those shows where an ugly dude preaches and pretends to heal people. It's called "Oprah"
Interrsting they're protesting everywhere but America....Pu$$ies
I feel like everything in my life has led me to you. My choices, my heartbreaks, my regrets. Everything. And when we’re together, my past seems worth it. Because if I had done one thing differently, I might have never met you.
Anyone had a bottle of Evian lately? Tastes a little plane.
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is, intelligent men don't get into relationships.
Dear cops, Please stop pretending you never drank before you were 21. Sincerely, you're not fooling anyone!
Apple is coming out with a new phone. It's called the Lebron james edition. It's silent and has no rings
I beat my girl at dominos the other night. She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70? Every time she gets to 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
Pippa middleton's ass is like a JK Rowling book..... you know harry's going to be in it
come to America to study, go home and become a terrorist...cancel the student visa
Rich white folks sure do love giving other rich white folks awards. 