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Dear Vampires and Werwolves ..if your looking for virgins just go to your local cinema today for a Twilight showing and you'll have plenty to choose from. 
Turns out "LEGO" is Danish for, "Ouch! That hurt my foot!"
Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...
ATM information is getting stolen at self check outs. I'm going back to the green stuff... it helps me relax and forget the news.
Got my favorite Christmas movie, A Christmas Story, from my in-laws for my birthday. I was shocked that the DVD version is abbreviated to 90 minutes. I always thought it was 24 hours.
Dont be suprised if a big fat man comes down your chimney and puts you in a black sack.. I told him I want you for Christmas.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it's a Booty Call!
.When the doctor said that we couldn't have sex for 6 weeks, I actually saw a tear roll down the palm of my hand
It pours the Whiskey on its liver or else it gets the hose again
The new film Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter looks quite good. I think I'll wait for the sequel, Bill Clinton: Lady Killer.
So the guy in Miami who ate that other dude's face was NOT on bath salts, just weed. What kind of weed gives you the munchies for hobo face?
I was delivered by C-section. I think thats what led me to have such low self esteem...Why wasnt I worthy of and A or at least B-Section..
Direct TV can't afford their bill with Viacom..... Guess they shouldn't have spent all their money making that miniature Giraffe for the commercials.
I have yet to see a security guard I couldn't beat the sh!t out of.
all those people watching the "Royal Wedding" and not one dentist passing out business cards... wtf?
After years of frowning at us and shaking their heads disapprovingly,we find out that the sanctimonious "goody two shoes" Canadians are bad losers. I feel better about myself.
I can make Romney Noodles Obama self!
"Do Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
now has the plans for his deck and about to go get the lumber! Does anyone know where I can pick up some illegal aliens to come build it?
thinks it would be hysterical if Brad and Angelina's daughter, Shiloh Pitt, turned out to be dyslexic. 