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Your Facebook posts are like your children. Some go on to become successful and others make you look stupid. 
These Jehovah's Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Most immigrants still have a lot to learn about America. Like, if you're going to take a day off, take Friday, not Thursday...
The only reason I get up in the morning is so I can drink at night.
Today my girlfriend of 5 years dumped me. When I asked if there was another guy, she said I was the other guy.
R.I.P. Rodney King...I'm not quite sure, but getting drunk and smoking "hippy lettuce" in the pool seems to be about as good of an idea as hiring Robert Wagner to be your swim coach...just sayin!
I saw some chick get her nipple pierced last night..... Man, I am so bad at darts when I'm drunk.
Why isn't “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I'm supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
Men think about sex every seven seconds. The rest of the time is spent trying to come with a lie when a woman asks, "What are you thinking?"
To those girls on "My Super Sweet 16" that get pissed when daddy buys them the wrong colour Mercedes. SHUT UP! I ride a bike!
The distance between my being overwhelmed with happiness and wondering when it will all fall apart is precisely seventeen seconds.
"Hello, would you like to take part in a one-question survey?" "Sure." "Great! Thanks for participating."
I don't always feel like I'm at the top of the gene pool, but when I do, I'm at Walmart.
Blowing inside cartridges was considered "Loading" back in my early years of gaming.
I think I've got mood poisoning. It must be something I hate.
Filling out my doctors info sheet, listed my twitter followers as my emergency contacts.
Lazy rule # 538: I would rather carry 10 overloaded plastic bags in each hand than taking 2 trips to bring my groceries in
I think people get married just to get 'Likes' on Facebook.
We have come so far. Computers, Moon landing, Mars rover, Hubble telescope taking pictures of thing light years away...and yet we still need a sign telling employees to wash their hands. 