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There's probably a guy named Jake who works at State Farm who's had it with all the khaki jokes and is about to go postal. 
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Wife: “ I'm always here helping you through hardship when no one else is around;” Me: “ If you weren't here, there were no hardship and everyone else were around.”
I think it's hilarious that Gary Numan is older than Gary Oldman.
A Short Story: Once upon a time, a man asked a woman to marry him. She said no and they lived happily ever after.
You know in my forty something years I’ve learned a few things 1. Never look a llama in the eye while laughing 2. Always put on clean underwear before going out 3. Never snort black pepper 4. Always be kind
If the Wuhan lab had been in Vegas we wouldn't have to worry about this virus cause what happen in vegas stays in vegas
I've come to the conclusion that my Alexa is just another pet by how often I have to tell her no every day.
Now it's to hot out to take the Christmas decorations down.
If a friend's bathroom doesn't have a hand towel out, it's okay to dry your hands on the shower curtain. ~Man card rule 23
Crazy episode of Judge Judy on right now. This guy was a month late on his rent and she just gave him the electric chair.
From Cairo, Egypt: The government has instructed all city cab drivers to sound their horns while driving through the city. It's hoped that a return of familiar city sounds will help restore calm due to the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last abou
Old: "Click It or Ticket". New: "Mask It or Casket."
I bet Pavlov felt like feeding the dogs every time a bell rang
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
When we do get this coronavirus vaccine, it better not just be cake.
Mclovin' it.
Obama: I like Coke. Fox News: Obama has declared war on Pepsi.
I just wanted to let everyone to know - yesterday I received my Obama stimulus package for 2010. It contained two watermelon seeds, cornbread mix, and 10 coupons to KFC. The directions were in Spanish. Hope you get yours soon! 