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From Our CEO To Our Valued Customers Please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom 
Home invasion 2019 : this is awful and terrifying… OMG I can’t believe this is happening! Home invasion 2020 : ohhhh heeyyyy … so did y’all wash your hands?
Out of eggs and hoping the easter bunny will leave some on my porch.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death. Me: I need one
This is the first time in my life that am seeing a month without a weekend, everyday is everyday
* With the people staying home. The air pollution levels have dropped. I actually went out in my back yard today, and smelled fresh air for the first time in twenty years.
Things could be worse, like the meteorite the size of a house that flew between the Earth and the moon last night which if it had taken a slightly different course would have made your problems seem kind of trivial. So smile and be happy!
Show of hands...how many of you are stuck in the house with a 75 something-year-old behaving like a toddler amped up on fun dip??
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks? wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
It's so hard not to get reckless with this $1200 check. I think I'm gonna go buy me a tiger
Casinos are offering curbside pickup. just call ahead and they'll come out to your car and take your money
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
The law doesn't allow polygamy ,so I got me a wife with Multiple personalities .
If you take the 'I' out of 'Illness' and replace it with 'We', then you get 'Wellness'
There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe "Isn't it really about time you IRS guys audited my return?"
Maybe my New Year's resolution to hang out with more than three of my Facebook friends in 2020 was asking for too much?
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, A beautiful day for a socially distancing neighbor.
Yesterday I accidentally sent a naked picture of me to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing but it cost a fortune in stamps 