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I never thought that giving up going to work for Lent would be so easy. 
The worst homeschooling class has to be Sex Ed.
Since staying home I think I need a better way to end a phone conversation then saying "Hey let me go now, I gotta run"
With this corona virus thing, just heard that infidelity is down 99.9%
The pollen is so bad this year that the druggies are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
Someone want to send Apple an email and let them know we need an iWatch software update...they don't need to keep telling me I need to stand up.. We need an "ignore, i'm in the middle of a quarantine" button.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine? Wife: get a babysitter.
Sam Adams is the main reason I know what season it is.
2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, were the years I was in my prime.
Wonder why kids set out milk and cookies for Santa, but not a salad for the Easter Bunny.
I'm convinced that Florida ain't afraid of nothing....except flying roaches
Anyone else feel the love in here?
I've been social distancing from the gym for years
Hate to be the one to point out that if you're going around to your friends houses to take "Socially Distancing" pictures and videos with you're missing the point.
My coworker read some fake Facebook thing saying vitamin C is the cure for the virus. He’s been drinking 3 large glasses of milk per day for the last 9 days. I haven’t had the heart to tell him orange juice is the one with vitamin C
My washing machine is broken so I had to wear my high school band uniform to work today
If a Tutu was designed for an extra-large ballerina, would it be called a Threethree?
And suddenly people don't wonder any more if your living life to the fullest or have completely given up when you walk into the supermarket wearing pajamas.
Think I'm starting to understand how Howard Hughes must have felt self isolating, except for I'm not staying in a luxury Las Vegas hotel, have billions of dollars or servants leaving things at my door, but other than that I think I understand how he felt. 