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I can't believe we still have 364 days till Christmas and people already have their lights up. 
My New Year's resolution is to delete my account and open facebook recovery centers across the nation.
Last year my New Year's resolution was to loss 30 lbs and now that we're about to ring in another New Year I'm happy to say that I've only got 40 more pounds to go!
I have been called annoying, not once, not twice, not three times not four times not five times not six times not seven times not eight times not nine times not ten times not eleven times not twelve times not thirteen times not even 14 times._.
Women seem to want security. At least that's what they yell whenever I approach them.
Just when I was getting use to writing 2019
20 year old in Colorado.... "The Cops!! Quick light a joint to cover up the cigarette smell!!!!"
.. To be old and wise, you first have to be young and stupid.
Its amazing how far we've come since the days of the cavemen who used to communicate with each other by writing on walls.
I'm so old I......just forgot what I was going to post?
Accidentally typed Sybian instead of Simba and let me tell you Disney themed p 0rn does not screw around
I'm so excited as Justin Bieber has a new single out!.....just seeing who my real friends are.
Like a blind man in an orgy, I was going to have to feel my way through
I'm starting this new decade off right by being more environmentally conscious towards everything I do like using napkins made out of 100% recycled material exclusively available for a great price at Chipotle.
If you have a crush on me tell me b4 I invest my Valentines Money in Mutual funds
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Took some ex-lax cookies to work for Valentines. With friends like me, who needs enemas?
I was ready to run for it when I heard the fire alarm go off at the Dentist's today. But he assured me it was just a drill.
The closest I've come to working out in the last month has been a double sneeze. And I hurt my neck.
People think I’m stupid because I have a lisp. You know what? I’m thick of it.. 