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I'm a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps. 
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can't control.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone. Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
wife: I wish you were more romantic me *starts biting the chicken nugget I'm eating into the shape of a heart*
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
I love when you look into someone's eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
A new law just came out where all bicyclist are now required to wear a helmet which is ridiculous, I mean when I was a kid I took all kinds of spills on my bike without a helmit and turned out perfectly fine and turned out perfectly fine.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don't think I can trust his judgment.
I see Black Friday is coming up and wondering who profits the most on that day? The people who are smart enough to stay home feeling thankful for everything they have the day after Thanksgiving?
Me: Just reverse it, like a vasectomy. Surgeon: I'm not putting your wisdom teeth back in.
If she says "do you notice anything different about me?" just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Happy birthday to Leonardo DiCaprio. He turns 45 today. It's time for a Titanic prostate exam. l
me as a therapist: I see what you’re saying. *starts writing something down for you* here, there’s an episode of Naruto that I think would be relevant and extremely healing for you
Santa is jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
Seriously, why didn't you care about the Clinton's taking money from their bogus Clinton Foundation? They were stealing hundreds of millions from their own charity, Mr. Hypocrite. Typical. And, why would a billionaire steal a paltry $2 mill? Fake News.
Do you ever randomly start thinking about a time you embarrassed yourself 15 years ago and get embarrassed all over again?
I'm thankful I won't have to go push and shove people on Black Friday the day after telling everyone on Facebook how thankful I was for everything I have.
I'll never understand why people name their kids after 80's action heroes. Sorry, but I have more class than that. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to make a conference call to my sons Michelangelo, Donatello, Raphael and Leonardo.
You know your a Volkswagen bus owner when you know how that your "Honk if Any Parts Fall Off" sticker also prevents tailgators.
Love Facebook's feature that not only helps you to get more things done, it give you more time to hangout with friend's and be more social, which you can find it under settings then scrolling down to where it says Log out. Try it, it works! 