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I wish my navigation system was a little more zen-like and instead of saying things like "Your destination is in 300 ft" it would say "Your destination is in 300 ft but remember, it's not about the destination, it's the journey that counted!" 
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
The coconut is very versatile. It can be eaten or be used to make a radio.
You know you're a VW bus owner if you are serious about your, "Honk if Anything Falls Off" bumper sticker and know how it prevents Tailgators.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Nobody Ask you For More Favors Than.... The Cops! Hey Buddy Do Me A Favor.. #StepOutTheVehicle Do Me A Favor.. #TurnAroundFaceTheCar Do Me A Favor.. #PutYourHandsBehindUrBack
Is it to early to break my new year's resolution or should I wait until after Christmas?
FedEx said that it shipped 16 million packages today on its busiest day of the year. That’s right, they handled 16 million packages. Or as the TSA calls that, “kind of a slow day.”
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
I used to have a large ceramic container full of soap but everybody was afraid to use it because... It was a croc o' Dial.
A company has developed a grease burn protection so you can fry a skillet full of bacon naked. You can now fry bacon naked. I know you think it's a joke, but that's how Orson Welles died.
I see they brought back Lincoln Logs. I remember those."Let's see, what should I make? I know, a cabin!"
Death Star II: *explodes* Spirit Halloween: *opens a shop in the wreckage*
Store Clerk: Happy holidays Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS [we just start choking each other]
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings” What are you? A Ceiling Fan. Gave him all the candy.
Our family motto is "Who took my phone charger?"
It's like kids can just smell us relaxing.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
7yo: *eating granola bar* What are you doing? Me: Cooking dinner. 7yo: *eating 2nd granola bar* Why? Me: I have no idea. 