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eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long. 
6:00] This edible is never going to hit. [6:20] *stirring my Root beer with a fork* [6:50] I'm a fork and I'm drowning !!
Unless the car you are driving is a Lamborghini Murcielago, then, no, your other car is not the Batmobile.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
So now we're going after FedEx drivers because we concluded they are all thieves?
museums: why doesn't anyone go to museums anymore also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
I've never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can't stand cereals or baseball.
What did I learn today? Red Bull does not give you wings...and I should be out of the hospital in two to three months.
Woke up coughing this morning, I reckon I've got pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis but it's hard to say
Archaeologists in Peru have discovered a 500 year old machine that allowed eggs to hatch. It was called an Incabator.
I hear there is a new scientific term for how mushrooms multiply. It's called a sporegasm.
what do you call a group of short people on a merry-go-round? ...a midget spinner
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I'm serving it anyway.
Please donate 30$ to my child's school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
My doctor prescribed me some suppositories for my nausea.... It's not the best medicine in the world, but they’re right up there.
Every time you yawn in October a ghost put his package in your mouth...
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k? Me: that's bananas.
Friend zoned your wife again
You can tell the age of an artificial Christmas Tree by the lines of tape wrapped around the box it's stored in. 