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Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do? Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that - wait, where are you going? 
So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away?
Is this a wind up?
I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower
Like if you ever got charged for not rewinding a VHF tape
I don't run from my problems.i sit on the couch,play with my phone,and ignore them like all other adults.
You know how people duck when they walk under helicopter blades? I don't.
OK I get it, two wrongs don't make a right. But what are talking here? 500? 600? I am almost to 600.
Driving a gray car in the winter is putting a lot of faith in your fellow drivers on the road.
I'm not one for eating oat-meal. My box of Quaker oats is so old that picture of the quarker on the box has brown hair.
Everyone just so happens to own a broken clock in Arizona tonight....
Condolences to Martin Shkreli's cellmate for the extra 20 years he's gonna get for definitely murdering Martin Skreli
Weekends are for losers who can tell a difference from one day to the next.
somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze
My comfort zone is always southern
{at sports arena} *kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
My love life is terrible. The last woman I was inside of was the statue of liberty.
If money talks, someone please come translate my bank statements
effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?
Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.
Maybe I should start setting my alarm for 11:00 PM because that is the sound that makes me go to sleep 