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I’m not above sitting down in the shower crying. 
Finally down to my pre-pregnancy/pre-kids weight...well...before my wife had kids I mean.
The Patriots are going to the Super Bowl? Who doesn’t love a good overdog story?
Why is Matthew McConaughey still on my tv in car commercial form? Have we learned nothing from our mistakes?
Girl - "Can I see your phone?" Boy - "Uhm, yeah, a moment, I just have to send a text." <Delete, Delete, Delete, Delete>
If you can't tell the difference between delivery and DiGiorno there's a good chance you've been fooled by a tranny once or twice too
So like, this rancher thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 98. So he rounded them up.
If David Letterman moves to Canada, does he have to change his last name?
I think I'm going to make chocolate covered Tide Pods for Valentine's day
Most teenagers are treated like children. But are expected to act like adults.
Salt and sugar look the same. Be careful who you trust.
The smog is so bad in my city that in the mornig the birds wake me by coughing in stead chirping.
Hey, I know. Let's make it real hard for people to murder other people.
Being lazier right now than the guy who designed the Japanese flag
My wife says I'm the kind of person she has to warn people about in advance and apologize for afterwords.
"Shutting the hell up about your diet" is also a way of losing calories
Mom: you're all dressed up, where are you going? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new picture for my facebook profile.
Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?
Resistance is not Futile ... it is Voltage over Current
Bacon is loaded with sodium, nitrates, grease and animal fat...... Breakfast 