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I only brush the teeth that people can see...which is none, because smiling is a sign of weakness. 
I'm scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Spider-Man in the streets, the Hobgoblin in the sheets.
Whenever it rains the trees scream "it's party time"
No one wants to chill with me tonight cuz I lost my Netflix password
I don't trust stairs. They always look like they're up to something.
I don't trust the sun. Why can't we look directly at it? What is it hiding?
More Americans trust Fox News than the President on climate change according to a recent survey done by Fox News.
So bored at work I can't even think of something to goggle
Got caught pissing in the swimming pool today at the YMCA. The lifeguard shouted so loud that I nearly fell in!
All aboard the disoriented express.....
During the summer months I always Wear my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out.
After eating an entire bull, a mountain lion felt so good he started roaring. He kept it up until a hunter came along and shot him. The moral of the story: When you're full of bull, keep your mouth shut.
Enjoy sitting on my left hand until it goes numb to pretend that someone else is seductively stirring my morning coffee.
... DAMMIT ..... Stop the WORLD .... I wanna GET OFF!!!
TSA moving operations to outside of airport. That must explain the full cavity search I received in my airport hotel room.
Behind every man is a beautiful woman, shaking her head.
At anger management classes in Canada, they teach people to apologize less sharply.
Starting the Independence Day celebration today at work by wearing red, white, & blue and shooting deer from my office window with my AK-47.
Always have the most fun on the Fourth of July. You don’t have to exchange any gifts. You just go to the beach and watch fireworks. 