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I don't think tom even uses myspace anymore. 
The inventor of the "Bumpit" made millions selling that hair accessory to women. I'm going to invent the "F**kit" and market it to women for those bad hair days.
riding the escalator the other day, and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half..
Ever parked on the wrong side of the gas station, then turn the car around to realize you are still on the wrong side? Me either...
the debt collector called, I told them I have $17,859,362,498 in Mafia Wars I'm just having a hard time transferring the money to checking.
There are two types of people in this world: Those who have a Facebook account and those who shouldn't have a Facebook account.
You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.
wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa
predicts Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year.
wants to put handcuffs on, run into a hardware store in a panic and ask for a hacksaw
WARNING if you get a message from me with a link asking you to look at my tinned meat DON'T OPEN IT.. its SPAM
So pathetic when some people use Facebook as their drama diary. Every. Freakin. Day.
Dont tell me you are missing me when you are not doing anything about it.
I believe a lot of conflict in the old west could have been avoided completely if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.
Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.
I can always tell when I'm drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards
i think I spend more time looking for a movie on netflix then actually watching
When you were in elementary school, looking up the word "sex" in the dictionary was like watching porn.
They say talking to yourself is a sign of mental illness. So I talk to the cat instead.
Any time someone tells you they're "about 20 minutes away" they're lying... They haven't left yet. 