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Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force. 
They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.
Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!
Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.
For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.
when a friend messages you a GIF image for your birthday, is that a birthday GIFt ?
No I am not childish. You are just a doodoo head!
You know she is single AF when all she posts is selfies.
OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.
So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?
57 years old and I'm still not coordinated enough to pass gass with a full bladder
Welcome to your 40's. You get horny anywhere, anytime. Without warning.
The only good thing about inflation. It allows you to live in a more expensive neighborhood without having to move.
Taught my grandmother that "Jabroni" means "fine young man" and it's made our time out in public way more interesting.
[Breaking News]
Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!
I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!
Ciick-fil-a surprises Florida man for his 100th birthday with free food for life.
Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.
Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there. 