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Gynaecologist: A female private investigator. 
I want to grow old with you - me, to my couch
I ONLY beg in the bedroom.
I’ve just realized I’ve come to a point in my new life . That I’m extremely happy that my favorite neighbor is that cat that lives three floors down!
“I have a taser in my purse” - me flirting
Did you know that smacking a bar waitress on the a$$ will get you a drink from the special menu ?..
If you can lay on the floor without holding on...... You're not drunk.
Do you know the two words that can wreck a man's life? ...... I do.
Maybe if all 50 states legalized marijuana, we would all be handling this presidency much better.
day 489 without sex: the demon I see in the corner of my room when I have sleep paralysis lookin kinda cute now
At my wedding the minister asked me: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife? I said I do. He turn and look at her then back at me and said are you sure?
The spectacle before us was indeed sublime.
My blood test came back as B+ Any tips how I can get an A+ next time?
I'm so poor growing up that we couldn't afford hamburger helper so we bought beef assistant.
I wonder what other phone calls Cohen has recorded?
I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.
I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.
"Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."
My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.
To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty. 