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God gave us shins so we could find things in the dark. 
Before we begin, I’d like to get a little weird.
Haikus are fun / But sometimes they make no sense / Refrigerator.
Pride Parade bans Drag Queens, it offends transgenders.Libs are confused on what side to take.
I watched 30 minutes of Kong: Skull Island on TV, which was more than enough to confirm why I don't waste money on movies anymore.
My Bills are so big that I have to call them William now.
You can tell what was the best year of your father's life because they seem to freeze that clothing style and just ride it out.
Having a bit of a lazy day! I'm sitting in my underwear looking for better jobs online. My boss doesn't look amused.
If my nephew doesn't stop playing Chopsticks on that wretched piano I think I shall go mad! (Wait a minute...I don't have a piano and my nephew isn't here...)
If woman are so good at multitasking. Then why can't they sit down and shut up?
I remember grandpa’s last words before he died. Lighting a match next to the gas pump, he asked, “What’s this warning label say?”
Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917
How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.
Sometimes I feel like I have a 1-bit brain with a parity error. This is one of those days.
I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.
If you go to sleep at 6am, is that going to sleep early or late?
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
It’s like my grandfather used to say: “The more clit sucking you do, the less nagging you’ll hear”
Do you have any Imodium? Me, flirting
Hooray! Won't have to watch Golden State vs Cleveland in the NBA finals for the 5th year in a row. :) 