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I didn’t call you fat; I said proper wood furniture normally doesn’t scream like that 
In Japan they read sentences from the right to the left. Kind of like how Americans read a menu.
There’s nothing better than driving fast on a warm beautiful morning and listening to loud music. Well...sex, food and money are better but I have none of those. I’ll take what I can get.
If Jack Black and Jack White had a baby together, what name would they use?
What do woman and police cars have in common? The both make a lot of noise when they are coming.
Just once I would like to cross my I's and dot my T's
hey! hey! hey! - Bill Cosby after spiking a woman's drink.
Does it look like I know what a polygon is?
Laugh now, but one day you will be so mad when another car cuts you off and you shake your fist out the window at some robot driver
Whenever my wife wants me to do something, she casually mentions it needs to be done like 49 times, hoping I will pick up the hints. Has not worked so far.
Sound advice: Never keep your hemroid cream on the same shelf as your toothpaste.
Kanye West must feel very conflicted right now. He's excited Kim has kids, but deep down he knows Beyonce has the best kids of all time.
Kanye West is a genius? In other worthless news, I am also a genius in the eyes of my dogs and cats.
As much as noise as this smoke detector makes, I think I would prefer to wake up on fire
When we were younger my wife got a dolphin tattoo on her butt...... It's now a whale
There should be a book "What to expect after marriage" for the bridegroom.
Star Wars day. May the 4th be with you all.
The French eat snails because they don't like fast food.
Hacked into Santa's computer and obtain is naughty girls list........ Looks like there be no more lonely nights for me.
When you see Olivia Munn in a movie trailer, you can almost hear a toilet flushing in your mind. 