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If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning. 
When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $4.95 a minute.
Angering someone is one thing, but hurting them changes everything.
I guess Kim Jong-un is burning out his fuse up there alone this morning.
I just found a worm in the apple I was about to have for lunch. But I guess that's better than finding half a worm after I had taken a bite.
A bachelor dates 20 hot girls all at the same time, and they are all good with this, and they call it a "reality show."
Why doesn't this superglue lock on things tightly like it does its own cap?
If you thought Han Solo was cool you should see his brother Guitar
Not to be outdone. Caitlyn Jenner announces it is pregnant!
Do handjobs from girls who speak sign language count as blowjobs
Moron is more of a complement, compare to the other terms people use.
The ocean is so deep that most people can't fathom it.
My dog Max has a problem with chasing people on a bike. It finially reached a point yesterday where I had to take his bike away.
Yeah, the coach doing cocaine makes the NFL look so innocent huh libtards?
I don't mind going to work every day and working with a bunch of a**holes. I'm a proctologist.
Don't sweat the small stuff. In fact, don't sweat the big stuff either. Stop sweating on everything. That's gross.
Spring is acting like my drug dealer!! "Where you at man?" "I am about to pull up" 1 hour later "Where you at man?" "I am right around the corner"
She's complicated? No kidding! So is my can opener.
I'm a nice sociopath. You can trust me.
Don't take it personal. I gave up on people in general years ago. 