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Alt-Left + Alt-Right = DELETE I am an independent. Enough said... Go Home!!! 
I once took a dump that was shaped like a pretzel. I $h!t you knot...
Adrenalin highs are my favorite, it helps me conserve my weed. . .
If a Cop says, "Anything you say will be taken down and used as evidence" your answer should always be, "Please don't hit me again officer".
: Beer drinkers pee more often because the beer doesn't stop to change color.
I'm so glad that the Subaru boxcar hobo commercial had a 'do not attempt' disclaimer. I was on the verge of a major lifestyle change
i can't believe no American radio station played total eclipse of the heart yesterday, what a waste of an eclipse
Polarized glasses for sale. Not used at all. Need money for Powerball!!
I once dated a girl with only four toes on each foot. She was kind of cute but the relationship never went anywhere because I'm lack-toes intolerant.
What does water have against Houston? First it was Whitney now this..!!
Feeling down? Just play your wedding tape backwards and you'll feel better.
it just me or has Aunt Jimmah lost weight?
I can't be the only one who hasn't seen a Taylor Swift video
Where do you place the cornerstone in a roundhouse
How many retirees are needed to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it might take all day.
my uber driver is playing marilyn manson so guess i'm gonna get drunk and put on eye liner tonight
If you ever meet Ted Cruz. You schould now think twice about shaking his hand.
All of a sudden no one wants to shake my hand. T.C.
The new iPhone costs $999. The entire Cracker Barrel menu costs 887.71. Let that sink in.
Treat every problem like a dog...piss on it and walk off! 