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Congrats on winning an argument with your woman...... Your prize is a night on the couch. 
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Kristen Stewart doesn't get enough credit for her acting ability. I thought she was great as "Wilson" in Cast Away
It is a scientific fact that the gravatational pull of a woman's cleavage on a man's eyes is too strong to be fought!!!
Don't die a virgin. Seriously, there are terrorists up there waiting for you.
By the time I've said "Nice to meet you" I've already forgotten your name.
So Chris Brown and Rihanna are now Engaged and they have a song together called "Ain't nobody's business." Well, I just wrote my own song called, "Ain't Nobody Cares!"
Ever notice the roof of your car is the worst cup holder ever?
Lecturing my kids about the dangers of alcohol would be a lot more effective if they didn't have access to my Facebook pictures.
If I just fly to Arizona without ID and let them deport me to Mexico, would it be cheaper than if I flew directly there?
Does "I caught myself singing a Justin Beiber song" go at the beginning or the end of a suicide note?
It's a shame how so many of you have such nice, expensive, in many cases even brand new cars and yet the turn signals don't seem to work.
When I go to your place for the first time, unless you live in a castle, please dont ask me if I want a tour.
I think sharks eat people just to get on tv.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes
Thumbnail pics. Helping ugly people look hot until you click on them since 1995.
Yes, cute waitress, I just took a bite big enough to choke an ox, now is the perfect time for you to ask me how everything is.
to AVOID any embarassing incidents...I've equipped my BEER GOGGLES with windshield wipers.
My girl said today, "You shouldn't wear that shirt, it's a fall color." Woman, my clothes have two seasons - clean and dirty. 