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When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st, and that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage 
"A Day Without A Woman" result: 90 % of all men reported fewer headaches.
My nickname is "wind" because I blow everything.
I'm going to the store. I'm at the doctor. My daughter is at the prom. I'm at a restaurant. My dog got a sticker in his paw. (That comprises 90% of all social media posts.)
We have reached a disturbing stage as a society. A stage where if you do something stupid, disturbing, sick, nasty, disgusting or perverted, you are guaranteed to have some people who are going to cosign and support it.
the White House just announced it is firing all the microwaves that were installed during the Obama Administration.
They say, "The loudest one in the room is the weakest one in the room".
Sit down r.a.y.. Your insecurity is showing.
Today I watched Sean Spicer try to defend his boss's ridiculous positions. Later I saw a moose lick his own junk for five minutes. I'm not sure whether Spicer or the moose acted with more shamelessness.
I need to lose weight. Baskin-Robbins just called my mom and told her because of me they're down to only 5 flavors.
A man cheats on his girlfriend named Lorraine with a girl named Clearly. Suddenly, Lorraine dies. At the funeral, the man stands up and sings, “I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone.”
Obama did so much for blacks, More free food and more free housing. Just what your fat white baby momma wanted.
People sometimes confuse deal-making skills with having enough money to bully the little guys into doing what you want.
Devin Nunes is also sorry: 1) He told your abusive husband where you were hiding. 2) You were born poor. 3) He didn't ask Vlad for more cash.
Who needs health insurance when this current administration makes you want to die every half hour on the hour?
I met a woman on a date last night , and I don't think it'll work out , she said she's a weekend heroin user. If she can't commit to Heroin, what kind of wife material is she really ?
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn't do anything I just make really poor life choices.
I never calculate a risk before I take it.
How we'll truly know when the economy has rebounded: When Reggae bands go back to hiring guys whose only job it is to dance.
I miss the days when microwave espionage was the dumbest thing this administration had to say.
When I give my cat leftover cat food from the refrigerator he looks at me like I just asked him for a ride to the airport. 