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So like, you know that tag on a mattress that says "Not to be removed under penalty of law?" Well guess what I just did? I don't care man, I'm a rebel. They can come and get me. 
I need to lose weight. When I sweat, I'm like a side of pork basting in its own juices.
Always borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back. ~ Steven Wright
Frankly auto correct... i'm getting really tired of your shirt
The truth is, I find it very stressful that Smokey the Bear thinks that I'm the only one that can prevent forest fires. I don't feel trained for this, and I certainly didn't sign up for the position.
Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
It is in the best interest of the United Sates to have better relations with Russia because Russian women are HOT!!!!
No more wet foot, dry foot for the Cubans #obamasfarewell
I cleaned my room and still smells like smoke, stale beer and sweat. This is the last time I use "Mr. Sheen" cleaner.
Well .... My wife said she wanted a cat and I didn't, so we compromised and got a cat.
Be Yourself. Unless you are a jerk; in which case pretend to be someone else.
when I was 5 years old my teacher asked if I wanted to take the class guinea pig home ;.. 7 months later I arrived in the African republic of Guinea .
I think I can beat up a group of ninjas. According to the movies, they must attack you one at a time while everyone else rocks back and forth in a absurd manner. So I think I have a chance!!!!
All Slip and Fall classes will be cancelled after the Inauguration.
If you're constantly sharing old memories on Facebook, does that mean you can't let go of your past?
"Can I safely look at a picture of the sun on my phone? I know you not suppose to look at the sun, but how about a picture?" - My wife
I don't get why all these people are saying "Not My Precedent!" Do they share a shameful past?
Porn is the one industry where segregating races, genders, sexual preference, is completely acceptable
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren't there hot chocolate trucks in the winter?
Have you ever wondered if there is such a thing as identical twins in zebras? 