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My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place. 
When I said "I'd hit that" I meant with my car.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
Thank you everyone ! In celebration of my birthday today - l will match any cash donations given to me.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
My dog has been looking for a spot to sh*t since 1958.
Can’t, getting kicked out of the living room for snickering when my son’s teacher said “Where am I gonna put the bone?”
I’m married, yet the only person that willingly goes down on their knees in front of my crotch is a 72 year old suit tailor named Pablo.
I can’t wait for my bank account to say $601.50
Somewhere there is a Mom yelling “ I swear I’ll take all this crap back”
B4 sliced Bread, what was the Greatest thing ?
My New Year's Resolution was going to be to quit all my bad habits, but then it occurred to me- no one likes a quitter.
COME ON STIMULUS I GOT THE BODYWASH UPSIDE DOWN WIT A LIL WATER IN IT. 🤣
Still not sure what I am wearing to the living room this New Years Eve
I'm making Hilaria Baldwin's paella recipe for dinner and... Wait a minute. This is clam chowder!
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Sometimes you have throw away perfectly good printer paper to hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions. Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Why don't food companies put beets in boxes instead of cans? ...then the employees can say they're "professional beet boxers"
Her: What sign are you most attracted to? Me: The Dunkin Donuts sign. 