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Am I the only person who thinks that Walmart is missing out on a major opportunity by not having a Golden Corral in all of their stores? 
Everybody deserves second chances, but not for the same damn mistakes.
Note to self: sex with inflatable doll not as good as advertised.
Privacy is very important to me. That is why I only share sensitive information with my closest 480 friends on Facebook.
There's plenty of fish in the sea, but until I catch one, i'm stuck here just holding my rod
I like Tuesday simply because it is literally the furthest from next Monday I can possibly be.
keep getting mixed up between claustrophobia and homophobia. Which is the one about being in the closet?
Theres no "I" in "team" but there are 5 in "individual brilliance."
My Wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my Mom, in fact Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow
1 female smurf, 50,000 boy smurfs, no wonder they all had blue balls
I'm only rude when I have to be. And when the situation calls for it. And when I'm hungry. And when you're hungry. And when the weather is nice. Sometimes when it's raining. Other times when it's not raining. Always on Mondays, Wednesdays & Fridays and...
Her: Are you listening to me? Me: Trying. But when you talk, your boobs jiggle. It's distracting. Her: Grow up. Me: They did it again!
I hate it when I'm digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
That rose tattoo on your ass was SO hot when you were 19. Now it looks like red cabbage
Everything I ever needed to know about structural engineering, I learned from Angry Birds.
if you don't have anything nice to say, come sit by me, and we can make fun of people together.
I overheard my neighbor telling someone on the phone that I am creepy and wierd. I was so mad I almost crawled out from under her bed and confront her.
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I'd rather my kid be a meth dealer than a pop singer.
Today was the kind of day where I understand how someone could become an alcoholic... 