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Aw sh!t…im the only black person in my african studies class. This could be awkward… 
if you and I always agree.......... one of us is unnecessary
Hi! Allow me to introduce myself. I'm a spider. And I can make your girlfriend scream louder than you ever could.
Once you hate someone, everything they do is offensive. "Look at this bi*ch, eating those f*cking crackers like she owns the place!”
Why is it that whenever I have to turn around in a strange driveway, I feel like they're gonna come running out with pitchforks and torches?
After Drinking- Men talk unnecessarily,become emotional,drive badly,stop thinking, fight for nothing & make mountains out of molehills. Hats Off to Women.They can do all this without DRINKING!!!
Whoever left me in charge of my own destiny has a lot of explaining to do.
Cure for the economy: Send welfare checks in an envelope that can be used as a condom.
"I'm a Barbie Girl, In the Barbie world!! Life in plasic, Its fantastic".....admit it you read this with an annoying womens voice
I always see more people walking into Sam's Club than out of Sam's Club, but the meat's cheap, so I don't ask questions.
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your girlfriend with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
They always say that the hottest person at the party never gets approached because people are intimidated to talk to them. I'm just going to assume that this is me... It would explain so much.
A "Friends with benefits" in reality is telling you to your face that you're good enough to f*ck, but not good enough to invest feelings in!
I like to stand by the elevator doors, wait until they close, turn around and say, "I suppose you're wondering why I asked you all here."
Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner
There are only 2 types of honest people in this world, small children & drunk people
Drinks at the bar should be served in capri sun-like pouches, and if you can't get the straw in then they cut you off.
To people who say love is more important than money, have you ever tried paying your bills with a hug?
Facebook is like a relationship, once you think you have it all figured out, everything changes.
Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun. 