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BBC News - "Wettest June since records began"I blame that 'fifty shades of grey' book. 
I drink coffee to get up, and beer to get down.
To all the scientists who were a part of 40 yrs of finding God Particle- Congrats! A Gr8 day for science. Isn't it? BUT the question still remains- Where is the Goddamn calorie-free Beer!
Bushes make me nervous. I always worry a naked man will emerge from one asking for toilet paper.
If loving you is wrong, I have probably loved you.
I had formed an opinion of this Lazy Guy, and then I thought, until I have walked a mile in his shoes, so I did! Now I know he's Lazy and has Athlete's Foot!!!
I dont wanna masturbate tonight so please, nobody mentions Betty White to me.
I'd kiss you right now but my breath would make you instantly drunk!
I can't fall asleep right now, I'm too busy counting how many hours of sleep I will get if I fall asleep right now.
when people ask....I tell them I been sober for 21 years.
secretly happy the heatwave killed my lawn..does that make me a no-mow
That scary feeling when you realize your kid is bigger than you
You know she is a groupie when she has hundreds of George Clooney pictures in her photo albums and only one of her boyfriend.
Rednecks have extremely generous Toothfairies, the way they keep giving up their teeth 4 in a row:)
Longest minute of life: waiting for food to come out of the microwave...
Thanks FB, for reminding people I haven't seen in 15 years that it's my birthday. Now my day is complete!!
I'm trying to think of a good chemistry joke, but all the good ones Argon...
the all star game was last night?? I didn't even know baseball season had started…
Vodka is the missionary position of booze.
Reverse Psychology: If I were you, I wouldn't even bother trying, because you'll probably f*ck it up. 