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I just love waking up in the middle of the night, to find I still have hours to sleep before I have to be at work!!! 
I dreamed about you slowly unzipping my pants, but I know that's just a fantasy. Because I'm not wearing pants.
Lucky my wife loves me and accepts me even with my super small "package". Unrelated, I wonder why that UPS truck is always at my house lately?
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. I forgot it only takes like 30 seconds to pee.
Porn has ruined my life. My toilet is blocked and I'm too scared to call the plumber :(
Pick a number between 6 and 6 that represents the number of doughnuts I have had today.
If you're doing it right there's no need for lube.
Be great. If they hate you, be GREATER.
I'll catch you later: Cool thing to say to a friend, scary thing to say to a child.
Adele is Pregnant... Those beautiful lyrics finally make sense. I just wanna know which lucky guy decided to go "Rolling in the deep" cos he's gonna "get it all" now... in Alimony!!!
Hey,,,I say stuff, you should say stuff with me,, and then we'll have fun... M-kay?
Magic Mike has the makings to be this generations Show Girls...just sayin
To block the annoying person's status updates, or keep them around because their horrible personal life is entertaining?!?!
Piglets are so cute. I love it how we eat them when they get fat and ugly.
I'm great at pretending I'm not an a$$hole.
Every time I crave chick-fil-a, it's f'ing Sunday!
She could have a Grammy, and I would still treat her like a Nominee.
I'm on that “Starts tomorrow” diet...... Everyday!!
May your enemies know the sound of a smattering of applause.
You have the Man Pit and the Man Cave, yup going to have the female version and call it the Maxie Pad 