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You stopped serving breakfast at 10:30!?! Seriously? Who gets here by 10:30? What am I, a fn farmer? 
S.I.N.G.L.E = Sometimes It's Not Good to Love Everybody
Dudes who wear skinny jeans, you took the phrase "I got in her pants" the wrong way...
Considering how wonderfully the day is going, I think I'm down to plan Q today.
Makeup? Nowadays, it's more like cake-up.
When you can do the common things in life in a uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.
Do you realize that a woman's "I'll be ready in five minutes." and a guy's " I'll be home in five minutes." are exactly the same
One of the advantages of being disorderly is constantly making exciting discoveries.
Who else sniffs their fingers after they scratch their balls ? you have to.. its a verification "Yup thats me right there!"
Why are you all so upset about Dr Pepper For Men? I mean, Subaru makes cars just for lesbians!
Cute girls going from "single" to "in a relationship"...WHEN WILL THIS EPIDEMIC END!
Life is to short to remove USB safely!!!!!!
I wonder if Satan gets a lot of wish lists in the mail during the holiday season from dyslexic people.
Don't be upset that your dreams didn't come true, just be glad your nightmares didn't.
I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching... my car into reverse and driving away from the accident.
Some people need to realize there is a "reply" option and a "reply all button".
I used to play sports. Then I realised you can buy trophies.. Now I am good at everything.
I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.
Happy National Gift Card Day!
Dear Santa, I'm writing to let you know that I've been naughty... and it was worth it. You fat, judgmental b@stard. 