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I look at people sometimes and think..for real? That's the sperm that won? 
Apparently it is frowned upon to walk into the convenience store, grab a box of condoms and ask "where is the fitting room?"
7% of all hearing loss is a result of sitting in a restaurant next to a table full of women who just received dessert.
One day I want to be "Let's Just Take My Helicopter" rich.
I don't get jealous when I see my ex with someone new, because my parents always taught me to give my used toys to someone less fortunate
When I'm sad I just sing, and then I realize my voice is worse than my problems.
Dear Eminem: Not only do we have the same name, but we're both black on the inside too. Sincerely, M&Ms.
Women complain about men using them only for sex as if sex is a bad thing. Sex is awesome. Start complaining when he starts using you for cooking, laundry and baby sitting while he is out having fun.
Fun game: Borrow some tools from your neighbor and return them one by one covered in blood until they move.
I try to look on the bright side of everything, except for the sun, because it burns my retinas
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
Tomorrow, history will be made. Months and months of advertisements and anticipation has led up to this historic day. America will see firsthand what is surely to be a historic event, and I am proud to say I will do my part and pick up my copy of Halo 4.
don't let your mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
I would not say that I am living in the fastlane, but I am experiencing life at a high rate of WTF's per minute.
I feel like it is going to be a great weekend to get some work done around the house, so I plan on getting up early, turning on SportsCenter and hope this feeling passes.
I'm not sure what causes more destruction, a F5 tornado or my 5 year old daughter on a sugar buzz?
I made some jello the other day, and kept thinking it tasted funny. Then I realized this was the first time in 10 years that I've had jello that doesn't taste like vodka.
How does every ethnic joke start? By looking over your shoulder.
Why do local banks feel compelled to inform of us the temperature? I can't recall every thinking to myself, "Oh, it's 42 degrees, maybe I'll take out a loan."
Goal number 1 for the new year: Get in a relationship. Goal number 2: Do not accomplish goal number 1 until after February 14th. 