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you know your scared when you lose track of a spider and become a victim in your own home... 
One man's "Ewwwww" is another man's "I'd hit that".
I wanted to send you something Romantic for Valentines, but the mailman told me to get out of the mailbox.
First they put safety features on circular saws; next we'll be forced to wear seat belts to run our blenders.
Just had my Valentine's day card off Moonpig... She hates it when I call her that.
to the person copying and rewording jokes from sickipedia dot org your not making them anymore funny
The new weight loss plan from Apple makes me feel stupid. Anyone else feel this way with iDiot?
this is getting outta hand. I wake up, turn my TV to the Playboy Channel, and even 'THEY'RE' talking about Jeremy Lin. WTF???
Grammar- the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you're shit
wonders when child abuse became television entertainment..oh wait, its called dance moms..oh, ok then
great day, everyone stared at my ass....then I found out I had a cheerio stuck right where my hole would be
What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
Can you smell that? That's fresh-brewed coffee mixed with Friday...delicious!
The Yankees reportedly traded AJ Burnett for 7 dirty used baseballs, a pack of big league chew, half eaten pack of sun flower seeds and Prince Fielders jock strap, the yankees made out like bandits.
Every time I see a "Baby On Board" sticker on a car, I cant help but think to myself, "Bonus points!"
Negative Thoughts + Negative People = Negative Life
mustaches are great, but when you shave them suddenly, clearly your lip is fugly
The best thing about a german shepherd is after he kills someone, he dismembers and...buries them. all by himself..no muss no fuss. good boy
told by his girlfriend that she dreamt I was going to give her a diamond necklace for Valentine's Day. She asked me what this meant and I told her she'll know via my present that evening. She didn't enjoy the "What dreams mean" book I gave her for V day!
whenever I want to stop an aggressive salesman, I just interrupt his spiel and ask, "Yes, but does it work on cats?" 