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My superpower is turning tequila into tears. 
Hate when I'm Sexually rubbing the wall until you find the light switch.
The girl said we were not spending enough time together, so we went to a movie,, she dragged me to Twilight,,, breakup T- minus one hour twenty three minutes!!
that sad moment when you return to your ordinary life after watching a awesome movie :(
Women may not hit harder.....but they can hit lower
if you refer to yourself or the person you are talking too in 3rd person and/or if you've hurt your shoulder from patting your own back.. you can't and shouldn't be trusted.
It's like I'm always holding for the next available representative, but they never hold me back.
"For God so loved the world, that he leggo his only begotten Eggo." --if breakfast was a religion.
I imagine Fabio Capello has resigned to concentrate fully on his commitments as one of the Dolmio puppets.
There's a Justin Bieber toothbrush that vibrates. Yeah, I'm pretty sure groupies won't be using it for their teeth.
Read today doing something for 10,000 hours makes you an expert...which makes me an expert in something very, very bad.
"OH NO, A PYTHON! Whew just my nose. OH NO COBRA! Nope still my nose. OH NO RATTLESNAKE! Sh!t, nose. God I can't live like this." - Elephant
I will die one day at a Del Taco, shot dead by a SWAT team after taking several hostages over what I feel is the meaning of extra cheese.
the only kind of job available these days is a hand job
tonight I'm gonna party like it's $19.99 (recession joke).
A man is a man all of his life but a woman is only sexy until shes your wife. - A.Bundy -
a new hobby!! I go to the “One Million Mom's” FB page just to post that I'm going to JCPenny!
People joke about Bieber Fever. Don't. Sigourney Weaver Fever killed my father.
Let's go back in time and give Baby Hitler a pony. Then World War II will be about Germany giving free candy to France and Poland.
Best part of being a grown-up? You can eat ice cream whenever you want! 