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Announcing “I'm offended” is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you. 
NERD FLIRTING: "I wish I could select all of you clothes & press delete."
I'm sick of everyone bringing kegs to the parties I throw. What part of Bring Your Own Bacon don't they understand?
it's no longer a secret that they are getting serviced.
don't ya hate it when it's real quiet in a meeting and your hungry stomach decides to make those "dying whale" sounds...
I am only pretty on the outside.
I'm against picketing but I don't know how to show it.
I hadn't really planned on doing much today. So the little I have done makes me seem like an over achiever! Winning.....
I'm also not a JETS fan,,, but on E-Bay, If I ever see a old, used,, Dirty Sanchez jersey,, I'm TOTALLY buying that too....
BTW,, I won't walk a mile even in my own friggin shoes,,,, So,,
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm
No story that begins with "She had never drunk tequila before" ever has a happy ending
When playing Modern Warfare 3 video game, is the menu suppose to…okay, I guess by now the girls have stopped reading. So fellas, any of you out there get nervous when make up sex starts with a BJ?
"I don't know why poor people hate me. There's always a new refrigerator box in my front yard for them to use."~ Rush Limbaugh
This empty bottle of rum has very good manners for being completely drunk. I on the other hand do not.
Mothers can either make the Best wing-men or the Worst c0ck-blockers
I don't always drink beer... Ahh, who am I kidding? I always drink beer.
Figuring things out for yourself is practically the only freedom anyone really has nowadays. Use that freedom.
I'm not drunk...I'm avoiding snipers.
I tried to give the kids piggie back rides and now they're covered in mud and hog bites. Farms are stupid. 