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All you need is love. But a little booze now and then doesn't hurt. 
I want a woman with dreams, plans and ambition. Not a girl on a breeding mission!
I won the lottery, then I woke up!
HER: Oh my god! I lost 2 kilograms! SMARTASS: Great, you finally took off your makeup!
Tomorrow I'm calling Geico and saving 15%, then I'm calling Progressive and saving $475, then State Farm to save $540, then 21st Century to save $430 .... by the time I'm done, they should be owing me money!!!
Stun guns, corn dogs & inappropriate flags. That's what flea markets are made of.
I tied a string around a pork chop and hung it from the ceiling fan on my porch and now every dog in my neighborhood is dizzy as hell.
I am not saying I am praying for you to die, but I cant wait to DJ at your funeral.
My tourette syndrome in under control untill I have to deal with DUMB A$S! stupid people who lack basic MOTHER FUNK1NG! common sense. SH1T! B1TCH!
Do women know how much energy we expend pretending we don't know why they're mad?
These little 'Hug Juice' barrels are too small! I can finish the thing in one gulp! Let's make them bigger, much bigger, and why juice, let's fill it up with beer! Wait, this sounds strangely familiar....
My ole lady needs a TEMPER-pedic mattress cause she keeps waking up on the wrong side of the bed. :/
In 9th grade coach said my sweater made me look gay. I replied good, as I wanted his wife to leave me alone. 'F' in gym.
By Making your Bed. Your room looks 50 % clean.
That uneasy moment the scales start singing Lionel Richie "Three Times A Lady" when she gets on.
It's hard to get the first kiss right. You want to be firm, but gentle; you want to be manly, but you don't want to wake her up.
she knows that some people never have to worry about hemorrhoirds, because they are perfect a**holes.
My least favorite stage of sleep is "rapid bowel movement".
Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.
It'll be 100 years since the R.M.S Titanic sank in five days. Some of the wealthiest people died that day. It was also Tax Deadline Day? Someone didn't pay their taxes...... 