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Boy 1: My Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 2: No way my Dads harder than your Dad! Boy 3: Why are both your Dads naked in the playground? 
I wonder if fat drug dealers sell diet coke?
Look at the risks men take when they meet a woman, if they are lucky...they get screwed otherwise they get screwed for life;)
On a scale 1 to Adele, how tough was your breakup?
a unibrow is just a mustache for your eyes
It disturbs me to see how much I say the word "Retard'' in everyday conversations..But never on Facebook where they are abundant.
Listening to whale sounds while my girlfriend takes a bath.
you know....I like my men like my Rum: Gone in the morning....
girls were probably first put on a pedestal so guys could see up their skirts
doc says i'm low on iron. yet, i'm feeling tired beyond my wildest dream... kind of ironic, no?
Say no to the FRIEND ZONE!
Hands don't make the music, the soul does.
I think that kid has got too big and fat for the show to be called 'Two and a Half Men' anymore.
Hey friends..... if I really wanted to "Branch Out"...... I would drink a Jagerbomb with a Miracle Grow chaser!
A blind man at a nudist colony is having more fun than me right now.
The worst thing about dating a dragon with a girl tattoo is how I would never shut up about it.
The meanest thing you can ever do to a blind person is leave a plunger in the toilet.
how much of a procrasinater do you have to be to wait until a tumor is 200 lbs to have it removed
Wishes there were Piggly Wigglys in my state just so I could keep saying piggly wiggly
Oprah named her channel OWN cuz she wants to own people like slaves 