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Satan works in mysterious ways, Pitbul’s music for example. 
Facebook status from God: Sorry rest of World...junior and I can't help you right now...we are busy helping some loon cross the Grand Canyon on a piece of floss
i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now
I have the uncanny ability to look at a pretty girl RIGHT when she decides to pick her nose.
The difference between a girls track team and a group of pygmy lawyers is.....The lawyers are cunning runts!
Oh, I see. Now I'm supposed to recruit a bunch of people to move gigantic limestone blocks. This is starting to sound like a pyramid scheme.
I argue with myself sometimes. Just for the make-up sex.
"Don't judge me" means "read my Facebook profile but don't look at the pictures."
Buy one beer for the price of two and receive a second beer ABSOLUTELY FREE!
For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
TEENAGERS: The most misunderstood people on earth. Treated like children & expected to act like adults.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has limits
I'm surprised we don't see more octopus baristas.
I would TGIF, but he scheduled me to work Saturday ...
I couldn't finish my dinner , so the waitress asked me: "do you want a box for that ?" I responded " no , but i'll arm wrestle you for it "
stuffing a hula hoop in a cereal box so my kids have memories of cool prizes like me
The Man With The Yellow Hat is going to scold Curious George once too often and then be known as The Man With The Yellow Hat And No Face.
Whenever I worry that I've been wasting my life, I cheer myself up by remembering that I have never read a Twilight book....
Ladies: If your guy gives you his jacket when you are cold, he expects you to give him sex when he's horny.
i feel bad that Snooki's baby has gotten laid before I did *forever a virgin* 