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It is my god given right to butcher song lyrics at the top of my poor vocal range if I want dammit!! 
Paddle faster. I hear banjos.
Love is like working out it hurts really bad until you just give up and eat a cake.
I'm not ignoring you, I'm just waiting for you to talk to me first.
You know your phone is old, when you have Myspace as a default application.
Yes, I'm on facebook a lot. No, I do not have a life. Yes, I like it. No, I don't think dollar beers, playing horseshoes and cornhole at a biker bar constitutes you having a life either.
It's good to see that Suarez has finally tasted champions league success.
If I was Ivanovic I'd get a Rabies injection, best to be on the safe side
If one more person wishes summer I am going to push them into a volcano!
if Jay Leno and Reese Witherspoon had a kid, it'd look like that dude on Mask...
Hmm 666 6+6+6=18 18.... Obama was once 18... Very scary not sure what this information means brought to you by Fox News.
My blood type is "Aunt Jemima".
Congratulations Michael Jordan on your new marriage.....Now she owns you.
After an extensive scientifc study, Chris Kelly (aka Mac Daddy from the 90's rap group "Kris Kross") has conclusively proven that wearing your clothes backwards does not provide adequate protection from drug overdoeses.
What's on your mind they said. Share how you're feeling they said. Only to find out that all we have said and done... will be stored for generations to see... "Hey let's check out all the funny things Grampa did when he was young. Whoa! Such a perv!"
Nothing says I'm cool quite like the sound of Velcro ripping apart.
Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?
May the 5th of vodka be with you
All women get paid for sex. Some take cash, others accept three lunches/dinners as payment.
ME: “I’m totally over my ex” VODKA: “We’ll see about that” 