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Over the hill . . . is better than under it 
getting tattoos on your face does not cover up ugly....it makes you ugly wit a "F"☞ "FUGLY"....ツ
Probably the lowest point in my life was when I fucked a guy who liked Nickelback. I'll never forgive myself.
Alcohol is never the solution to your problems! But since we're not looking for any solutions but more problems, lets get drunk!
Sex heals. But don't take my word for it. Just ask Marvin Gaye.
just realized who I am.... The Vodka Whisperer
♫♪♫ To the left, to the left. Laying on my side brings my nuts to the left ♫♪♫
"BasketBall Wives" = A bunch of ungrateful hoes.
I haven't had to use cond0ms in almost 15 years. Now that I am divorced and single, that'll have to change. Where do I get them? Do I need a prescription?
When did half the world start thinking that "realize" was spelled "realise?"
Finally loses virginity. 3 more years left in prison.
An apple a day takes a billion dollars away
Like my dad always says,, "Find out what you don't do well,, and then don't do it.".. It's one of our Family Traditions...
Half of the world's population is crazy. The other half is male.
I'm surprised more workplace violence isn't motivated by the vending machine's refusal to accept a dollar bill.
Anger occasionally makes me have a sh!tty day. Love occasionally makes me have a sh!tty 3 years.
I like to name my bottles of wine. That one is Happiness... that one is Horniness... and that one is Empty.
They say you should keep your friends close, but your enemies even closer. So I'm getting married next week.
Which Playmate is in charge of sorting Hugh Hefner's pills?......'cause you KNOW that's an all day job....
If your kids don't shut the hell up and rock when "Sad But True" starts playing, you've failed them as a parent. 