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Next time a stranger talks to me when I'm alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper "You can see me?" 
My new years resolution for 2013? I will be less laz
boy, the day flys by when you do something you love. Like sleep till Noon...
I remember 2012 like it was yesterday…
I can't believe it's already January 2nd. I mean really, where has the year gone?
Hey, After dealing with my ex for as long as I have these Ikea instructions are a piece of cake...
God grant me the serenity not to beat the holy living bajeezus out of those who piss me off and the wisdom to know this will make a funny story later.
As if the world didn't have enough Kardashian genetic material already.
''Now I ain't sayin' she a gold digger, but she havin' ma' baby. Now I ain't sayin' she a ho either, but we ain't married.''
My girlfriend gave me a lift in her car. I said I can smell something, I think you're burning oil... ...she said that can't be I haven't put any oil in it!
I should just change my name to "Han" because it looks like I'm gonna stay solo *forever alone*
Why is it called common sense? it should be called sense because it's not that common any more
"No, no no. Not you two.. I need you two to stay here and man the fort." ~ Noah to his Wooly Mammoths
Beauty is directly correlated to 3D...Darkness, Distance, and Drunkedness.
I will always be there for you if you never need me.
I’m just waiting for you to be rich and famous so I can still not like you.
Not being able to afford braces was cool, cuz now I can floss with my thumb.
Disappointed that Bruno Mars looks exactly like us for someone who comes from another planet.
Soon there will be a lot of deadbeat dads trying 2 make up for lost time by “Liking” their grown kid’s Facebook updates.
I'm so good at sleep, I can do it with my eyes closed... 