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Saying “dude” before you say something important. 
Do you suppose that, perhaps, we should not take apocalypse clues from a race that has failed in its own attempt to survive?
Dear Department Store Bathroom Cleaner: Please use less WAX. When I go to the bathroom I am really not in the mood for doing the splits......
I'm not really superstitious. Usually, I'm just a little stitious…
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
I'm the type of person who gains weight just by LOOKING at the dessert that I'm finishing
if I was a bird... I know who'd I poop on
You're from my dreams... Or nightmares. I can't decide which.
I sit when I pee because God dammit there's a seat right there!
A picture is like a thousand words so if your profile photo is bad, it's like reading the word ugly a thousand times.
Football announcers saying "penetration" repeatedly is my 50 Shades of Grey.
“Pain management” is breaking up with someone that hurts you.
It's beginning to look a lot like 80s on my ATARI 7800 system
I have to take a dump, but my iPhone battery life is at 5%
Oh wow! Thanks for the newsletter, Hotel Chain! I'm just lonely enough to read this!
Who remembers the 3 eyed monkey at the end of Jimmy Neutron that would say "Hi, I'm Paul!"
Are you there God? It's me, chocolate... They keep putting me on raisins..... I KNOW,,,It's weird huh?
Sometimes I feel like I respect spiders just because women hate them.
I pick my nose when I drive. Get over it or I'll flick the booger at your car
Marriages should come with three NFL-style "challenges" a year. 