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I wish I could go back in time and meet the teenage versions of my parents. 
I think I deserve a bunch of "likes" just for deleting all the crap I had in my drafts folder...
Too good to work fast food when you were young? Have you noticed that you are a loser now?
Watching this growing TOP CIA scandal is proof that women secretly runs the world!!!
I bet that the McAfee AntiVirus 2013 will include anti-virus, anti-spam, and anti-murder your neighbor options!
Most women I know that wear the pants in a relationship, rarely wear pants.
Throught I had sexiest man alive in the bag, but Tatum won the electoral vote and I only won the popular vote.
It must suck to have just one arm.... Until you get arrested.
Every time traffic policemen stops me they ask if I have drunk anything. But no one ever asked me if I had eaten anything.
You have to be 18 to tickle Elmo.
If it doesn't add value, subtract that shi t.
Sometimes I screw up intentionally just so I can say, “You were right dear” B itches love hearing “You were right dear”
All my friends are doing it, and quite frankly, I feel left out. Big woman, 37, never married. Seeks divorce.
I don't know how girls can deep throat, I almost threw up because I forgot to chew a Mentos.
People who never had suicidal thoughts probably never touched a wet bathroom door knob.
Whenever I hear "let us pray" My mind automatically adds "on the weak minded and gullible"
Am I the only one in Crocks?
Tell her she's Beautiful ...because Hot is a just a temperature
Taking my car to the mechanics today...if only I could just get it drunk and the problems would go away.
I often worry that mankind is going to start world war III solely because we enjoy trilogies 